And Then There Were Six

Remember back in June when I played that so-called horrible, mean trick on everyone, suggesting that our family was growing? Well it turned out that our niece Chelsey was coming to live with us. She wanted a "Fresh Start." She wanted to finish high school, live in a peaceful environment, and asked to be a part of our family. With some deliberations Cindy and I decided that she could come, and that we would help her out. So a plane ticket was purchased, bedroom furniture arranged and we waited.... and Chelsey arrived on June 30th. She seemed happy to be here and eager to get started. We immediately went about setting up her residency with a Washington ID and drivers handbook, registered her for school, and helped her find a job at Fred Meyer. The summer seemed to be going great! She was working, and looking forward to school starting. We had gotten used to another kid, and our (extended) family welcomed her into the fold - no one held back their love or support for her.

Then last week she dropped a bomb...

From the day she arrived, her grandmother in Oklahoma had been calling her, nagging that she should be there, not here in Washington.

A LITTLE BACKGROUND:

This grandmother is a partial (1/4) Native American, and is the worst type of example of the stereotypical "living off the system" mentality. Not only that, but her current track record of raising children has resulted in epic failure after epic failure. Chelsey's mom is an on-again, off-again drug addict, with a revolving door for the various men living with her. Chelsey doesn't even know who her dad is - there are two candidates, and her mom shrugged it off saying "yeah, I guess you could get a test..." Inconceivable, I know. We went down to their trailer compound in Arizona back in 2003 and despite warning ourselves that it would be culture shock, the actual lifestyle we witnessed was so completely foreign that we couldn't even come close to comprehending it without seeing it firsthand. At that point, "Grandma" was living there in her trailer, two trailers down from Chelsey's mom, with Cindy's dad (Chelsey's grandpa - her mom's ex-husband) living in the single wide between the two. Nobody had jobs above the fast food level... A couple years later, Grandma moved to Oklahoma to take better advantage of the "Indian Money" available. Chelsey had gone out and lived with her until a year or so ago, when her mom convinced her to come back to Arizona because she (mom) was in jail, and Chelsey's two sisters were going to lose their place to live unless she came out and got a job to support them. After 9 months to a year of that situation, she emailed us asking for the fresh start.

NOW, BACK TO THE STORY

Soooo.... From day one here, grandma is trying to convince Chelsey that she shouldn't be here. She should be in Oklahoma. "Free money! You're only 1/8 Indian, you're the last generation to get to take advantage of this. Free school!" and I'm sure those were also joined with promises of "No expectations! No higher standards!"

Chelsey told us that her grandma was trying to convince her to come, but assured us that she was in this to change her life. She was very convincing when she said she was going to be the first person in her family to graduate, and that getting a GED wasn't good enough, she was going to GRADUATE. We bought into it, and did everything we could to support her.

Well, apparently two weeks ago, with the honeymoon period in the new job wearing off, and the reality of REAL school looming ever closer, Grandma finally broke through to Chelsey and they hatched a plot. Or made a plan... But it feels more like they hatched a plot.

If you recall the post about last weekend's day trip to Port Townsend, we were planning a "Parents Only" camping trip for this weekend. That fit in perfectly with Chelsey's escape plan. She and Grandma talked frequently, working out all the details... Chelsey would carry on the charade that everything was fine... She had Friday and Saturday off work this week, and got paid on Friday. (We parents would be out of town by this point.) She would pick up her check, go down to the Greyhound Bus Station, buy a one way ticket to Oklahoma, and be 2/3 of the way there before we even got home and discovered that she was gone.

Backing up just a little, it blows our minds even more just how well she was living this double life. During this timeframe, she opened a bank account at the local credit union, talked about how school was coming up and she hoped to make friends, complained that her one friend at work was transferring to another store, so who would she talk to at work... Wow...

Cindy unknowingly threw a (small) wrench in this plan... Not wanting Chelsey to be home alone all weekend, Cindy called her brother Chuck and asked if they would like to have Chelsey over for the weekend, since she wasn't working. He said sure, and that he'd pick her up Friday morning. Uh-Oh, that would make it awfully hard for her to get her check and sneak out to the bus station...

We discovered this little plot on Wednesday. It was 11:30am, the upstairs of our house was a mess, Cindy had a full daycare crew downstairs, and came up to lay down the law to our kids upstairs that they had to pick up their crap. Chelsey was still in bed... Lately, that's about all she did was stay in bed. Sleeping, reading, watching movies on Kaylee's portable DVD player... but always in bed. (cleverly detatching herself from the family) Cindy got mad and said that it was time to get up, quit laying around all the time, and DO SOMETHING.

About half an hour later, Cindy came upstairs again, and things looked about the same. She went into Chelsey's room, and found Ellysa in there with her, and Chelsey was crying. Cindy said "What's going on?" And Chelsey said "I don't want to talk about it." Ellysa said to her, "You have to tell my mom... She won't get mad at you."

Cindy sat down on the bed so she wouldn't be intimidating, and Chelsey spilled the beans on the whole escape plan she and Grandma had been working so hard on. Said that she hated it here. Hated the climate. Hated her job. Claimed that she didn't even know us or our family. Claimed lots of other things that I'm sure to her, justified everything.

I found out shortly afterward. I was at work, taking a short break from the grueling world of Microsoft SharePoint to look up class times at the local driving school for Chelsey, since she needed more help than I could give her in the short times our home-schedules overlapped. An IM from Cindy popped up on my screen, telling me what had just happened.

Rage. Sadness. Shock. More rage. More shock. Confusion. Disbelief. Maybe a little more rage. Definitely some relief on top of it all.

For the rest of the day Wednesday, my head was a spin 'n' barf ride of every emotion available cycling through. What an incredible betrayal! And she wasn't even going to tell us! She was going to sneak out while we were out of town, so she wouldn't have to face us. And I can guarantee that if we hadn't caught on to her, she wasn't going to quit her job. She'd have worked through Thursday's shift, said "See ya Sunday!" and never come back. As it is, I won't be surprised if tomorrow the phone rings with her boss asking why she hasn't shown up yet.

Over Wednesday and Thursday, Cindy made her go close out her bank account, tell Fred Meyer that she was quitting, and tell Tacoma Community College that she was quitting them too. She claims she did those things. Like I said, we have serious doubts.

I, in particular, have felt like a complete idiot for the past few days. When Chelsey emailed us back in June asking for help, Cindy was hesitant. I was the one who championed her cause, and said that we couldn't not help her. For the last month, I was the one getting up at 11:00 at night to pick her up from work. And as it turns out, I was the one who Chelsey told Cindy she "didn't feel safe" being around. Wow. Not just a knife in the back, but a rusty, jagged knife.

Chelsey's plan for getting to the bus station was to take a cab. Not willing to let her begin her white trash living until she was out of our environment, we insisted that we would drive her to the station. We had already cancelled our camping trip because we didn't at all feel safe with her moving out while we're not home. We HATE thinking like that, but there is certainly no trust left between us and her.

So last night we made the quiet drive down to the Greyhound station. I'm sure there are more depressing places, but I don't think I've ever been to any of them. We left her sitting there with her bags and a 90 minute wait for her bus. She gave us token hugs and "I love you"s, we turned and left. We didn't look back.

As we got back in the van (you know, the new van we bought so we could better accommodate an extra kid?) our moods were heavy. Yet as we drove home, an interesting thing happened. We felt like a huge, heavy weight had been lifted. Like a darkness that had been hindering everything we've tried to do lately had gone away. I can't even describe exactly what it was, but there was a lightness and a comfort that has been missing for at least the past few weeks.

We came home, cleaned out her room, and wondered if we'd ever get the urge to be generous again so easily...

And then we went to see Batman.

We still got our date... And it was the best date we've had in a long time.

EPILOGUE:

Cindy belongs to the Tacoma area "Freecycle" group, an online community that gives away un-needed items rather than throwing them away or selling them. This morning, there was a woman asking for discount tickets to Wild Waves for her son and his daughter.

The season passes we bought for our family each came with several FREE ADMISSION tickets, enough that we still have extras.

Without hesitation, Cindy offered two of them to this woman. She called us back to confirm that we were really giving away full access, free tickets, and said how glad she was that her son and granddaughter could have a fun day.

As Cindy hung up the phone and put the passes in an envelope on the front porch, we realized that this whole time, Heavenly Father really is in control. We have opportunities to serve, to do good deeds, to practice generosity every day. When one experience ends badly, there's always another one right around the corner to restore your faith in the merits of giving.

We hope they have a great day at the park! They even have nice weather going for them!!

And Chelsey, we hope you make it to Oklahoma, and we pray that you beat the odds of the hand you're dealing yourself and come out on top.